How To Potty-Train Your Child

When is the right time to begin the process of potty training? Well, every child is different, but it usually ends up being about the time that you realize you’re spending approximately seven thousand dollars per week on diapers.

The first thing you’re going to need is a potty. You can attempt to train on a full-sized toilet, but chances are that your child isn’t yet six feet tall, and therefore can’t reach the lid just now. For the time being, he’s going to need his own.

You’ve got some options when it comes to buying a potty. The manufacturers of children’s potties make them in all sorts of kid-friendly shapes. Most are cute animals, like frogs or bunnies. Through this type of conditioning, every time your child encounters an actual frog or bunny, he’ll try to pee on it. For this reason, it’s important to keep your child indoors at all times while he’s potty training, a process which usually lasts about nine years.

It will take a while for your child to adjust to the idea of peeing on his new potty. At first he’ll be intrigued by it, then scared, then happy, then scared again, then confused, then scared again, and finally just bored. By this time you’ll have given up on training and you’ll be using the potty to store old nails and light bulbs.

When your child actually does pee in the potty—which usually happens by accident the first few hundred times—be sure to make a huge deal of it. You’ll want to heap congratulations on him, and make verbal affirmations so positive that he’ll think his pee cures cancer. You’ll be so elated the first time your child pees on the potty, pointing into the bowl and clapping in euphoric celebration, that you won’t even notice that his pants are still down and he’s now peeing on your shoe.

Here are a few techniques that can be used for potty training:

The Reward Method — Here’s how this one works: Every time your child successfully uses his potty, he receives a reward. The incentive you use for this purpose is entirely up to you, but it’s usually best if it’s something the child actually wants. Cookies make a better reward than broccoli. A small toy works better than a coupon from Office Depot. You get the idea.

The Helicopter Method — This method is so named because it causes the parent to closely resemble a helicopter hovering directly over the child’s shoulder. In order for this to work, you must have absolutely no life (and as a parent, you already have no life, so you’re halfway there). You’ll have to follow your child around all day, every two minutes asking: “Do you have to go potty? How about now? Do you have to go potty now?”
Most of the time, your child will answer, “No” or “I think you need therapy.” Every so often, however, he really will have to go potty, and success is achieved.

The Duct Tape Method — This technique involves duct taping the potty directly to your child’s butt, thereby guaranteeing he won’t suffer through the embarrassment of “accidents.”
There are downsides to this method, though. Your child will have difficulty negotiating corners, at least until he gets used to the extra girth he’s carrying. His social standing will likely suffer as well. All things considered, these are minor inconveniences when compared to never having to purchase another diaper again.

How to Change Your Child's Diaper

One of the first things that any new parent must learn is how to change a diaper. Your new baby has just spent nine long months in the womb peeing wherever and whenever he pleases, so it will take some time to break him of the habit. In the meantime, you’re at the mercy of Pampers.

When it comes time to change your first diaper, you’ll probably still be in the hospital with your baby. If you’ve never changed a diaper before, you should arrange to have one of the nurses show you how to do it so that you can “observe” and “learn.” The nurse will be more than happy to oblige. If you have changed diapers before, then you should still tell the nurse that you haven’t. This way, she’ll change your child for you, and that’s one less diaper you’ll have to mess with. After all, the ultimate goal of parenthood is to change as few diapers as possible.

New parents always want to put “good” diapers on their children. These are the fancy varieties of diapers that cost about as much as a new SUV. After buying these diapers for a couple of weeks, parents come to realize that this extra money spent on “good” diapers could be better used to purchase alcohol or psychiatric therapy, both of which are good investments when you’re raising children. After this parenting revelation, the type of diapers purchased is normally relegated to the category of “whatever’s on sale.”

The actual technique of changing a diaper goes something like this:

1. Take note of the odd smell in the room. Dry heave.
2. Realize that this odd smell is emanating from your child. Dry heave again.
3. Attempt to convince your spouse that he or she needs to spend some “quality time” with your child. Hand the child over, then run away laughing and yelling: “Sucker! It’s your problem now!”

If step #3 fails and you must change the diaper yourself, proceed as follows:

1. Place your child on the changing table. If you don’t have a changing table, use the hood of your neighbor’s car.
2. Restrain the child if possible. Duct tape works well.
3. Remove the diaper. Place it off to the side for now.
4. Clean your child’s butt. This will require approximately seven thousand baby wipes.
5. Realize that your child has stuck his foot into the dirty diaper. Clean off your child’s foot. Toss the dirty diaper into the garbage can across the room. Miss horribly. Take a mental note to clean that up later.
6. Realize that you forgot to get a clean diaper prepared for this process. Leave the room to go get one.
7. Come back into the room with the clean diaper in hand. Even though you have only been gone for a few seconds, your child has somehow managed to find a steak knife and is now chewing on it.
8. Carefully wrestle the knife away from your child’s grasp.
9. Put the new diaper on your child.
10. Take note of the odd smell in the room. Realize that your child has gone to the bathroom again. Scream. Cry. Repeat.