Everybody loves pizza, and we’ve all got our own favorite toppings for those steamy slices. But what do those toppings say about you? Use this highly scientific list for a window into your own personality.
Plain Cheese — You’re an incredibly boring person, and you spend the bulk of your time watching The Weather Channel. The highlight of your day is when the mail comes. You will die alone.
Pepperoni — You’re a fun-loving, all-American individual—or at least you believe you are. You're actually a complete tool. You've got lots of friends, but ninety percent of them can't even remember your name and the other ten percent secretly hate you.
Sardines — If a slimy, disgusting fish is your idea of appetizing cuisine, you’re a seething idiot. Here’s a better idea: take all the sardines off of your pizza, drop them into a fish tank and give them all names, because these are the only friends you will ever have.
Pineapple — You need to be punched in the face.
Canadian Bacon — If you’re dumb enough to be fond of something with the word “Canadian” in the title, you should be tied to a chair and forced to listen to twelve hours of Bryan Adams albums.
Sausage — Simply having meat on your pizza isn’t enough for you. Oh, no. You need your edible animal flesh to be ground into misshapen balls and seasoned with the rejected spices of a third-rate Italian restaurant. You’re high society, baby.
Mushrooms — You’re a tree-hugging hippie douchebag. You spend your days spouting left-wing propagandist garbage about the harrowing plight of Indonesian humpbacked orcas and still wonder why no one returns your phone calls.
Green Peppers — See “Pineapple.”
Ham — You think “Walker: Texas Ranger” is the epitome of sophisticated television programming. There has been extensive inbreeding within your family tree and you more than likely have a third nipple.
Onions — The reason that no one wants to hang out with you isn’t because your breath smells like onions, but that you’re completely uninteresting. But just keep telling yourself that it’s the onions.