Thursday, July 29, 2010

How to Change Your Child's Diaper

One of the first things that any new parent must learn is how to change a diaper. Your new baby has just spent nine long months in the womb peeing wherever and whenever he pleases, so it will take some time to break him of the habit. In the meantime, you’re at the mercy of Pampers.

When it comes time to change your first diaper, you’ll probably still be in the hospital with your baby. If you’ve never changed a diaper before, you should arrange to have one of the nurses show you how to do it so that you can “observe” and “learn.” The nurse will be more than happy to oblige. If you have changed diapers before, then you should still tell the nurse that you haven’t. This way, she’ll change your child for you, and that’s one less diaper you’ll have to mess with. After all, the ultimate goal of parenthood is to change as few diapers as possible.

New parents always want to put “good” diapers on their children. These are the fancy varieties of diapers that cost about as much as a new SUV. After buying these diapers for a couple of weeks, parents come to realize that this extra money spent on “good” diapers could be better used to purchase alcohol or psychiatric therapy, both of which are good investments when you’re raising children. After this parenting revelation, the type of diapers purchased is normally relegated to the category of “whatever’s on sale.”

The actual technique of changing a diaper goes something like this:

1. Take note of the odd smell in the room. Dry heave.
2. Realize that this odd smell is emanating from your child. Dry heave again.
3. Attempt to convince your spouse that he or she needs to spend some “quality time” with your child. Hand the child over, then run away laughing and yelling: “Sucker! It’s your problem now!”

If step #3 fails and you must change the diaper yourself, proceed as follows:

1. Place your child on the changing table. If you don’t have a changing table, use the hood of your neighbor’s car.
2. Restrain the child if possible. Duct tape works well.
3. Remove the diaper. Place it off to the side for now.
4. Clean your child’s butt. This will require approximately seven thousand baby wipes.
5. Realize that your child has stuck his foot into the dirty diaper. Clean off your child’s foot. Toss the dirty diaper into the garbage can across the room. Miss horribly. Take a mental note to clean that up later.
6. Realize that you forgot to get a clean diaper prepared for this process. Leave the room to go get one.
7. Come back into the room with the clean diaper in hand. Even though you have only been gone for a few seconds, your child has somehow managed to find a steak knife and is now chewing on it.
8. Carefully wrestle the knife away from your child’s grasp.
9. Put the new diaper on your child.
10. Take note of the odd smell in the room. Realize that your child has gone to the bathroom again. Scream. Cry. Repeat.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Buying Your Child a Stroller

Things to consider when purchasing a stroller:

1. Are the stroller’s cup-holders large enough to accommodate a beer can?
2. Are the stroller’s tires rated for “moon-terrain”?
3. Can a monkey operate the stroller?

If your answer to any of the above questions is “no,” then do not, under any circumstances, purchase the stroller.
Allow me to explain.
The most important aspect of your new stroller is cup-holder surface area. You’ll need ample space to house a beer can, or more likely several beer cans. Even if you don’t drink, the assembly of your stroller will drive you to start. You’ll find yourself chugging a frosty brew in frustration as you attempt to figure out how exactly to unfold the stroller, haggard and driven mindless by such a seemingly unsolvable task.
Don‘t feel bad, though. Even Sir Isaac Newton was not able to understand modern Strollerology. Newton died penniless and frustrated without being able to unfold his first child’s stroller. So did Thomas Edison. And Michelangelo.
The act of unfolding a stroller requires at least a Master’s Degree in Molecular Physics, and the rest of us can only hope to twist and press the appointed buttons and levers until we stumble upon the solution and unlock the stroller. This normally takes three to four days, so plan your family outings accordingly.
Once you’ve got the stroller unfolded and ready for action, it’s necessary to examine the tires. “All-terrain” tires are a must on any stroller, and once you’ve ensured that you have the proper grade of tire installed, you should probably take it for a “test run.”
A “test run” involves actually pushing the stroller around at a full sprint and seeing if you get hung up on anything. Feel free to escape the confines of your yard and run down the street. Don’t stop for anything, even oncoming traffic. Do this for several hours, or until you wake up in the hospital.
If you find your new stroller’s tires to be having trouble negotiating normal, everyday obstacles such as boulders and small cars, you may want to replace the tires with larger ones. By “larger ones,” I mean “monster-truck-sized.” Tires that are any smaller than this will not even be able to make it up a curb, let alone roll handily over your spouse’s foot.
If your stroller passes these tests, then it’s time for the “live run.” Take your stroller out to a place you would normally take your child, such as a park, a fair or a strip club. Then do some walking around with your stroller and observe the actions of those around you.
If you find that small animals are running away from you in a mad panic, and that other parents are hastily swiping up their children and removing them from your path, that’s a good sign. It means that you own everyone’s respect—not only because you have the largest, most badass stroller in the area, but because you actually got it unfolded.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

How To Feed Your Children

Feeding your children:

Children have three food groups that they consider to be “acceptable”:

1. Chocolate
2. Trix cereal
3. Chocolate-flavored Trix cereal

If you try to give your kid any foods that deviate from these groups, you might as well be serving him rat poison. He’ll look at his plate in disgust, then look up at you in disgust, then look back at his plate in disgust, and so on. He will repeat this cycle until you both fall over from exhaustion or until you give up and hand over a Snickers bar.
Another rule of children’s dietary selection is this: Your child won’t like what he liked yesterday. Kids are very fickle. If your child wolfed down every bite of the macaroni and cheese that you served for last night’s dinner, he will despise the very sight of it today, so make sure to have lots of different foods on hand for him to choose from. You must always keep a selection of food that takes up roughly 99.74% of your kitchen cabinet space. The only room that‘s left over for “your food” will be just enough space for a Slim Jim and a box of baking soda, which your kid will all of a sudden decide that he wants to eat.
Once you’ve got your child’s meal prepared and set on the plate in front of him, he may resolve that he isn’t going to eat it, even though he was the one who picked it out. In this case, there are a few different things you can try to get him to eat.

“The Airplane”:
This is the time-honored action of spooning up your child’s food, then “flying” it into his mouth while you make stupid and embarrassing airplane sounds. The object is to get your child to open the “hangar”—his mouth—and allow you to spoon-feed the plane-food. The major drawback to this method is that your child will never open his “hangar” during the whole process, and the entire contents of his dinner will end up on his shirt.
“The Catapult”:
This one involves building a crude catapult out of a salt shaker and a spoon. Lay the salt shaker on its side, then place a spoon that’s full of food on top of it. Angle the contraption so that a slap to the handle of the spoon will cause the food to fly toward the general direction of your child. Repeat this process two hundred or more times until you actually get something into your child’s mouth.
“The I Give Up. Let’s Go To McDonald’s”:
If you’ve exhausted all other methods of coaxing your child into eating, and if you’ve developed a new ulcer from dealing with mealtime, you may want to give this option a try. It explains itself.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How To Dress Your Child

Things you will need for dressing your child:
1. Rope
2. A tranquilizer gun
3. Several other people to help hold the child down
4. More rope

When dressing your child, it’s best to be realistic. Sure, we would all like our child’s clothing to “match” or even “make sense,” but the more times you go through the process of dressing your child, the more you’ll realize that just getting two shoes on his feet is a victory in itself.
Your child will kick. Your child will thrash around. Your child will scream. He’ll do everything in his power to keep you from getting that shirt collar over his head. You’ll have to forcibly contort his body into a shape vaguely resembling a trombone just to get one leg into his pants. And when it’s all over and your child is finally dressed, you’ll breathe a satisfied sigh of relief, then notice that you put every article of clothing on backward.
Most new parents want their children to look “cute” or “fashionable,” but as time goes on, they come to see that this isn’t a realistic approach. First of all, any new outfit you buy for your child will become completely ruined by noon on the first day it is worn, usually sooner. The outfit will be covered with dirt, spit-up and stains from food that you didn’t even give your child. These food stains will also happen to be of whatever color is most noticeable and ugly against the color of your child’s clothing.
Your child’s outfit will be useless and unrecognizable by bedtime, so it’s best to just throw it out and buy a new one. This can get expensive, however, so here are a few things a parent can do to alleviate some of the financial burden of buying new clothes on a daily basis:

1. Shoplift
2. Steal from friends’ children
3. Start making your own clothing (garbage bags and string work well)

The most cost-effective solution, though, is to simply allow your child to run around in a diaper for the entire day. This can actually be quite beneficial. He’ll get a healthy skin-glow from all the sun, and if your friends mention the fact that your child is almost naked, you can just tell them that he’s “free-spirited” and “artsy.” They’ll be super jealous, and more than likely will stop dressing their kids as well.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Yes, I Saw "Sex and the City 2." Yes, I Wrote a Blog About It.

I wrote this blog a few weeks ago when I went to see Sex and the City 2. I then “forgot” to post it, fearing that admitting I had seen the movie would emasculate me in the eyes of my friends and acquaintances. I’m sure everyone I know sees me as a super-tough, rugged badass—which I totally am.
After a while, though, I came to realize that most people are already aware of the fact that I’ve seen every episode of the “Sex and the City” TV show and both the movies. Therefore, I’ve already emasculated myself to the point that there isn’t much use hiding these things. I’m still a super-tough, rugged badass, though.

While sitting in the theater waiting for Sex and the City 2 to begin, I made a checklist of things that I thought would happen in the movie. An overwhelming majority of what I wrote down on my list ended up on the screen. This probably means that I am psychic. Or maybe a wizard. Possibly a ninja-pirate.
Anyway, here’s the full list:

*Note: If you’re not familiar with the characters in the Sex and the City franchise, you might not understand some of these references. If this is the case, then you probably already think I’m a complete douchebag for going to see Sex and the City 2, much less making a stupid list and then blogging about it.*

A marriage or renewal of vows:

This was the first thing I wrote down, and it happened in one of the opening scenes. Two dudes got married by Liza Minnelli in an obscenely lavish ceremony that must have cost about three billion dollars. Apparently, gay men who live in New York are fiscally unaffected by recession.

A divorce or the danger of one:

I’ll give myself a half point on this. Although the word “divorce” was never actually mentioned, there was some grade-A marital instability in this movie, which brings me to my next point.

Marital woe through bad communication habits:

In typical “chick flick” fashion, Big and Carrie butted heads over her wanting to go out and do stuff, and his desire to sit on his ass and watch TV. Gawd, men are sooo lazy and dumb.


Although there wasn’t any full-on cheating happening, Carrie did kiss Aiden. This in itself was pretty remarkable, since Aiden was only in the movie for about seventeen seconds. I’ll count that one.

Some dude’s schlong:

In the first movie, there was a full-on, slow-motion close-up of some guy’s wiener. Thankfully, the sequel didn’t feature that, but there were several zoomed-in shots of various dudes in Speedos. There was also a scene that made a point to showcase a dude’s junk in various stages of erection. That right there is Oscar-worthy cinematic gold, ladies and gentlemen. Orson Welles never came up with anything like that.

Samantha is a whore:

This one was pretty obvious. I counted at least three dudes that she plowed during the course of the movie, and innumerable others that she ogled. She would have bedded even more, but she started having some menopause-induced hormonal deficiencies at around the halfway point of the film. As a result, the conga line into her crotch was temporarily interrupted.

Carrie’s bad puns:

Another obvious one. I counted at least six, including:
“Lawrence of my Labia”
“Mid-Wife Crisis”
And also a dialogue exchange that went something like this:
“There ought to be a law against sleeping with your nanny.”
“Yeah, a Jude Law.”

Two or more of the main characters get pissed at each other then reconcile, richer for the experience:

This point wasn’t as intense as I had expected it to be. There were some verbal jabs and petty bickering between the girls, but nothing earth-shattering. Partial credit.

Mr. Big is indecisive:

This one I’ll count as a miss. The first movie made a major plotline out of his fear of commitment, and I thought for sure they’d repeat the formula. They didn’t. Touché, screenwriters, touché.

Children are overwhelming and difficult to raise:

Wow, did I ever nail this one. Charlotte spent two hours complaining about how her two kids were driving her insane, but get this: She had a full-time nanny, so she didn‘t really even have to do anything. She did all that whining about how tough it was to raise her kids when her damn babysitter was doing all the work. Come over to my house for a while, Charlotte. My crazy-ass kids will have you drooling in a straitjacket within fifteen minutes.

Indiscriminate female bonding through unconventional means:

Four chicks riding camels in the middle of the desert. Need I say more?

Crude and blunt references to female anatomy:

Thank you, Samantha. She spent the entire movie complaining about her dissipating hormones and rubbing estrogen cream on her va-jay-jay.

Men look stupid and uncaring:

Yeah, but don’t they always look stupid and uncaring in these movies? Partial credit.

A new male character is introduced—shirtless for some reason—and Samantha plows him within twenty minutes:

I wasn’t as accurate as I thought I would be with this one. Actually, it took more like ten minutes.

So, if you’re keeping score at home, I got 11 ½ points out of a possible 14. Pretty good for a super-tough, rugged badass—even an emasculated one.