Here's an older Myspace blog entry that I dug up. This one's about the virtues of tennis:
Apparently there’s been a professional tennis tournament going on all week. I was unaware of this, considering the fact that I’m not a complete loser. The particular tournament that's happening right now is the Australian Open, as in: “Crikey! A croc ate me racket and me balls!”
I actually sat and watched one of the matches for a few minutes today. It featured those two titans of professional tennis: Some Guy You’ve Never Heard Of and Some Other Guy You’ve Never Heard Of. It was then that I realized just how stupid the sport of tennis is.
1. Guy hits ball.
2. Other guy hits ball.
4. Are you bored yet? I sure am.
I mean, think about it. Tennis has got to be the crappiest sport ever in the history of everything. Here are a few reasons why:
— What’s up with the scoring system in this sport? You start the game at zero, but it’s not called “zero,” it’s called “love.” What the hell? Just call it frigging ZERO. How difficult is that?
When you actually score points, the progression makes even less sense. The sequence goes: Love, 15, 30, 40. What? Who came up with this crap? A drunken two-year-old could add better than that.
— They have “games” in tennis, but when you win a “game,” you’re not done. Far from it, my friend. You’ve got to win several “games” to win a “set,” then win several “sets” to win a “match.” That’s way too damned complicated. I’m confused just typing it out. I’m also bored again.
— Tennis matches are played on several different surfaces, including grass and clay. Why the discrepancy? What’s so hard about making a universal playing surface for every stadium? Is this beyond our capabilities as a society? Do certain countries still lack “grass technology”?
— While the match is going on, the audience has to be completely quiet. I mean no noise whatsoever. I’ve got a real problem with that. Sports—real sports—were meant to be enjoyed along with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a dozen of your rowdy, obnoxious friends. What’s fun about watching a couple of A-holes run after a fruity neon ball if you can’t make a sound? That’s not sports, that’s sitting in the Time Out Chair.
The tennis world takes this “quiet” crap very seriously, too. If a spectator so much as coughs during a player’s backhand, he gets escorted from the stadium and violated with garden implements.
— No one likes tennis. When’s the last time you went in to work on Monday morning and got into an exciting water cooler discussion with your co-workers about that bitchin’ tennis match you all saw on TV over the weekend?
Can you even think of anybody that you know who is actually a tennis fan? I’ll bet you can’t, but even if you can, the person who comes to mind is probably a complete tool. I doubt you even like this person, either.
How can we make tennis better? Well, I’m afraid it may be too far gone, but here are a few suggestions that would inject some much-needed life into the sport:
1. One word: landmines.
2. Goodbye, tennis shorts. Hello, Hammer pants.
3. Replace tennis ball with bowling ball. Replace tennis racket with bare hand.
4. During the match, require players to wear iPods containing nothing but Celine Dion songs which can’t be removed until the match is over. This really wouldn’t help make the game more entertaining, but it sure as hell would speed up the matches.
5. Put panda bears on the court. No reason, I just really like panda bears.
6. Make players wear stilts and clown costumes.
7. Instead of using a tennis ball, use a football. Instead of playing on a tennis court, play on a football field. Instead of playing tennis, play football.
8. Tennis matches must take place inside a UFC ring during a fight.
9. Remember the XFL? Do that with tennis.
10. Do everything that you normally would in a tennis match, only do the exact opposite.