Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Shouldn't Have Read That: How To Clean Up Your Facebook Newsfeed

Do you ever look at your Facebook newsfeed and cringe? Here’s a list of common varieties of Facebook members to help you weed out the people whose posts you probably shouldn‘t be paying attention to.

*Note: I’ve been guilty of most of these, and you’ll probably find at least a couple that look familiar to you, too.*

TMI (Too Much Information) Guy:

This person was born without the “filter” that most of us have between our brains and our mouths (or in this case, keyboards). You’ll read posts like “I got my prostate examined today. The doctor’s hands were freezing but supple” or “Gonna go shave my scrotum now. Be back in ten.”
Reading any of TMI Guy’s posts will cause you to involuntarily shudder, and if you’ve got a weak stomach, you’ll probably barf. Keep a trash can handy.

Mundane Activities Guy:

This dude is closely related to TMI guy in that he posts a bunch of junk that you’ll immediately regret reading—not because it’s gross or overly-personal, but because it’s just so damn boring. You’ll be reading about his uneventful day at work, his average-tasting breakfast and his unremarkable trip to the mall. Half a sentence of this and you’ll be wishing you were illiterate.

Farmville Guy:

I mention Farmville, but feel free to insert any of the asinine Facebook games. Farmville Guy will clutter your screen with meaningless nonsense that takes so long to scroll through that you’ll be wishing for a brain hemorrhage before you reach the bottom of the page.

I Can’t Post Anything That Doesn’t Have To Do With My Children Guy:

OK, we get it. You love your kids. All parents do—unless your name is Jon or Kate. But seriously, does the world really need to know that little Jimmy ate half a jar of strained carrots for dinner?

Manic Depressive Posting Guy:

You’ll never know quite what to make of Manic Depressive Posting Guy. One day he’ll be spreading sunshine through your computer screen with his witty anecdotes and ultra-positive outlook on life. The next day, his posts will be so disheartening and miserable that you’ll want to chew on some rat poison.

40 Pictures Of Me With My Shirt Off Guy:

This dude doesn’t write much in his posts; he’d rather let the uploaded pictures do the talking. You’ll normally see dark and grainy photos of him standing shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror holding a camera in one hand and a bottle of baby oil in the other. If he does write anything in his posts, it’s always about his glistening abs or the sick pump he got in his biceps at the gym today.
Ladies do this too. Any self-taken, downward-angled picture featuring a gallon of mascara, a kissy-face expression and 400 acres of cleavage is definitely a red flag.

Everyone Should Share My Political Views Guy:

If you don’t think, talk and act exactly like this person, he’ll consider you a blithering communist idiot. You’ll often see posts like “Obama rules!” or “Obama sucks!” depending on which side of the fence his political allegiance lies.
Try to challenge him on anything and he’ll lose his frigging mind, responding with pages upon pages of “surveys” and “statistics” that sound about as factual as a Harry Potter book.

Rabid Sports Fan Guy:

Was that necessary? Is it going to help the team play better? It is? Okay, my mistake.

Hey Dude, Check Out My Band Guy:

Here’s another species of poster that, thankfully, is less prevalent on Facebook than it was on MySpace. Hey Dude, Check Out My Band Guy thinks he’s in the greatest band on the face of the earth, and he wants eeeeeeeeeeveryone to know it.
You’ll get slammed by posts detailing the immense effort and musical genius that goes into each and every one of his songs. He’ll ramble on about the bitchin’ show his band just played at the airport bar and wax poetic about how he whipped the crowd into a frenzy with his virtuoso guitar riffs.
The ironic thing is, if you ever do take the time to listen to this guy’s music, ninety-nine percent of the time it sounds like drunken gophers having sex. (In other words, not very good.)

No comments:

Post a Comment