The Field Guide To Lame Fireworks

I love dumb, cheap fireworks--the more pointless and crappy the better. The Fourth of July is only a few days away, and in honor of the holiday, I've come up with a brief list of the dumbest fireworks out there and why I love them so much. Enjoy.

Snakes:
These are by far the lamest, most anti-climactic, worthless "fireworks" ever created. This is precisely what makes them so awesome. Make sure you use one of those lighters with the long stems when you light these, otherwise you'll have to get your thumb amputated because of all the burns. These things leave nasty black stains on your concrete when they’re done burning, so just imagine what the smoke they give off is doing to your lungs. Yummy.

Smoke Bombs:
These will impress the crap out of potheads and anyone under the age of five. Beyond that, their only practical use is to light one and place it under the chair of an unsuspecting drunk. Then frantically grab his or her arm while yelling, "The house is on fire! Run!" and watch the hilarity unfold.

Parachutes:
If you've got a bunch of children hanging around, nothing is more entertaining than shooting off a parachute and watching the kids trip over one another and faceplant into the sides of buildings while trying to chase it down. Make sure you do these in a really open area, because if there's even one tree within 35 miles of where you're at, damned if that parachute isn't gonna get stuck in it.

Firecrackers:
Much like smoke bombs, these can be thrown under chairs for a cheap laugh. Works best on the elderly.

Jumping Jacks:
These usually look exactly like firecrackers, except the wrapping tends to be more effeminate. Once lit, they spin and bounce around in all types of fruity colors. Buy a bunch of them, because even the ones that aren't “duds” only last about .042 seconds.

Bottle Rockets:
Recipe for fun:
4 steel pipes
3 other friends
1,000 bottle rockets
Give each person a pipe and a bunch of bottle rockets. Stand about 40 feet apart and shoot the bottle rockets out of the pipes at each other. Extra points for style, degree of difficulty, and groin shots. Works best while intoxicated.

Roman Candles:
These are pretty useless unless you happen to be stranded on a deserted island and need to signal for help, and that only happens like once or twice a month. Hold it in your hand and shoot it off if you're a badass. Stick it in the ground, light it and run if you're a wuss.