Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Yes, I Saw "Sex and the City 2." Yes, I Wrote a Blog About It.

I wrote this blog a few weeks ago when I went to see Sex and the City 2. I then “forgot” to post it, fearing that admitting I had seen the movie would emasculate me in the eyes of my friends and acquaintances. I’m sure everyone I know sees me as a super-tough, rugged badass—which I totally am.
After a while, though, I came to realize that most people are already aware of the fact that I’ve seen every episode of the “Sex and the City” TV show and both the movies. Therefore, I’ve already emasculated myself to the point that there isn’t much use hiding these things. I’m still a super-tough, rugged badass, though.

While sitting in the theater waiting for Sex and the City 2 to begin, I made a checklist of things that I thought would happen in the movie. An overwhelming majority of what I wrote down on my list ended up on the screen. This probably means that I am psychic. Or maybe a wizard. Possibly a ninja-pirate.
Anyway, here’s the full list:

*Note: If you’re not familiar with the characters in the Sex and the City franchise, you might not understand some of these references. If this is the case, then you probably already think I’m a complete douchebag for going to see Sex and the City 2, much less making a stupid list and then blogging about it.*

A marriage or renewal of vows:

This was the first thing I wrote down, and it happened in one of the opening scenes. Two dudes got married by Liza Minnelli in an obscenely lavish ceremony that must have cost about three billion dollars. Apparently, gay men who live in New York are fiscally unaffected by recession.

A divorce or the danger of one:

I’ll give myself a half point on this. Although the word “divorce” was never actually mentioned, there was some grade-A marital instability in this movie, which brings me to my next point.

Marital woe through bad communication habits:

In typical “chick flick” fashion, Big and Carrie butted heads over her wanting to go out and do stuff, and his desire to sit on his ass and watch TV. Gawd, men are sooo lazy and dumb.


Although there wasn’t any full-on cheating happening, Carrie did kiss Aiden. This in itself was pretty remarkable, since Aiden was only in the movie for about seventeen seconds. I’ll count that one.

Some dude’s schlong:

In the first movie, there was a full-on, slow-motion close-up of some guy’s wiener. Thankfully, the sequel didn’t feature that, but there were several zoomed-in shots of various dudes in Speedos. There was also a scene that made a point to showcase a dude’s junk in various stages of erection. That right there is Oscar-worthy cinematic gold, ladies and gentlemen. Orson Welles never came up with anything like that.

Samantha is a whore:

This one was pretty obvious. I counted at least three dudes that she plowed during the course of the movie, and innumerable others that she ogled. She would have bedded even more, but she started having some menopause-induced hormonal deficiencies at around the halfway point of the film. As a result, the conga line into her crotch was temporarily interrupted.

Carrie’s bad puns:

Another obvious one. I counted at least six, including:
“Lawrence of my Labia”
“Mid-Wife Crisis”
And also a dialogue exchange that went something like this:
“There ought to be a law against sleeping with your nanny.”
“Yeah, a Jude Law.”

Two or more of the main characters get pissed at each other then reconcile, richer for the experience:

This point wasn’t as intense as I had expected it to be. There were some verbal jabs and petty bickering between the girls, but nothing earth-shattering. Partial credit.

Mr. Big is indecisive:

This one I’ll count as a miss. The first movie made a major plotline out of his fear of commitment, and I thought for sure they’d repeat the formula. They didn’t. Touché, screenwriters, touché.

Children are overwhelming and difficult to raise:

Wow, did I ever nail this one. Charlotte spent two hours complaining about how her two kids were driving her insane, but get this: She had a full-time nanny, so she didn‘t really even have to do anything. She did all that whining about how tough it was to raise her kids when her damn babysitter was doing all the work. Come over to my house for a while, Charlotte. My crazy-ass kids will have you drooling in a straitjacket within fifteen minutes.

Indiscriminate female bonding through unconventional means:

Four chicks riding camels in the middle of the desert. Need I say more?

Crude and blunt references to female anatomy:

Thank you, Samantha. She spent the entire movie complaining about her dissipating hormones and rubbing estrogen cream on her va-jay-jay.

Men look stupid and uncaring:

Yeah, but don’t they always look stupid and uncaring in these movies? Partial credit.

A new male character is introduced—shirtless for some reason—and Samantha plows him within twenty minutes:

I wasn’t as accurate as I thought I would be with this one. Actually, it took more like ten minutes.

So, if you’re keeping score at home, I got 11 ½ points out of a possible 14. Pretty good for a super-tough, rugged badass—even an emasculated one.

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