Sunday, July 25, 2010

Buying Your Child a Stroller

Things to consider when purchasing a stroller:

1. Are the stroller’s cup-holders large enough to accommodate a beer can?
2. Are the stroller’s tires rated for “moon-terrain”?
3. Can a monkey operate the stroller?

If your answer to any of the above questions is “no,” then do not, under any circumstances, purchase the stroller.
Allow me to explain.
The most important aspect of your new stroller is cup-holder surface area. You’ll need ample space to house a beer can, or more likely several beer cans. Even if you don’t drink, the assembly of your stroller will drive you to start. You’ll find yourself chugging a frosty brew in frustration as you attempt to figure out how exactly to unfold the stroller, haggard and driven mindless by such a seemingly unsolvable task.
Don‘t feel bad, though. Even Sir Isaac Newton was not able to understand modern Strollerology. Newton died penniless and frustrated without being able to unfold his first child’s stroller. So did Thomas Edison. And Michelangelo.
The act of unfolding a stroller requires at least a Master’s Degree in Molecular Physics, and the rest of us can only hope to twist and press the appointed buttons and levers until we stumble upon the solution and unlock the stroller. This normally takes three to four days, so plan your family outings accordingly.
Once you’ve got the stroller unfolded and ready for action, it’s necessary to examine the tires. “All-terrain” tires are a must on any stroller, and once you’ve ensured that you have the proper grade of tire installed, you should probably take it for a “test run.”
A “test run” involves actually pushing the stroller around at a full sprint and seeing if you get hung up on anything. Feel free to escape the confines of your yard and run down the street. Don’t stop for anything, even oncoming traffic. Do this for several hours, or until you wake up in the hospital.
If you find your new stroller’s tires to be having trouble negotiating normal, everyday obstacles such as boulders and small cars, you may want to replace the tires with larger ones. By “larger ones,” I mean “monster-truck-sized.” Tires that are any smaller than this will not even be able to make it up a curb, let alone roll handily over your spouse’s foot.
If your stroller passes these tests, then it’s time for the “live run.” Take your stroller out to a place you would normally take your child, such as a park, a fair or a strip club. Then do some walking around with your stroller and observe the actions of those around you.
If you find that small animals are running away from you in a mad panic, and that other parents are hastily swiping up their children and removing them from your path, that’s a good sign. It means that you own everyone’s respect—not only because you have the largest, most badass stroller in the area, but because you actually got it unfolded.

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