One of the first things that any new parent must learn is how to change a diaper. Your new baby has just spent nine long months in the womb peeing wherever and whenever he pleases, so it will take some time to break him of the habit. In the meantime, you’re at the mercy of Pampers.
When it comes time to change your first diaper, you’ll probably still be in the hospital with your baby. If you’ve never changed a diaper before, you should arrange to have one of the nurses show you how to do it so that you can “observe” and “learn.” The nurse will be more than happy to oblige. If you have changed diapers before, then you should still tell the nurse that you haven’t. This way, she’ll change your child for you, and that’s one less diaper you’ll have to mess with. After all, the ultimate goal of parenthood is to change as few diapers as possible.
New parents always want to put “good” diapers on their children. These are the fancy varieties of diapers that cost about as much as a new SUV. After buying these diapers for a couple of weeks, parents come to realize that this extra money spent on “good” diapers could be better used to purchase alcohol or psychiatric therapy, both of which are good investments when you’re raising children. After this parenting revelation, the type of diapers purchased is normally relegated to the category of “whatever’s on sale.”
The actual technique of changing a diaper goes something like this:
1. Take note of the odd smell in the room. Dry heave.
2. Realize that this odd smell is emanating from your child. Dry heave again.
3. Attempt to convince your spouse that he or she needs to spend some “quality time” with your child. Hand the child over, then run away laughing and yelling: “Sucker! It’s your problem now!”
If step #3 fails and you must change the diaper yourself, proceed as follows:
1. Place your child on the changing table. If you don’t have a changing table, use the hood of your neighbor’s car.
2. Restrain the child if possible. Duct tape works well.
3. Remove the diaper. Place it off to the side for now.
4. Clean your child’s butt. This will require approximately seven thousand baby wipes.
5. Realize that your child has stuck his foot into the dirty diaper. Clean off your child’s foot. Toss the dirty diaper into the garbage can across the room. Miss horribly. Take a mental note to clean that up later.
6. Realize that you forgot to get a clean diaper prepared for this process. Leave the room to go get one.
7. Come back into the room with the clean diaper in hand. Even though you have only been gone for a few seconds, your child has somehow managed to find a steak knife and is now chewing on it.
8. Carefully wrestle the knife away from your child’s grasp.
9. Put the new diaper on your child.
10. Take note of the odd smell in the room. Realize that your child has gone to the bathroom again. Scream. Cry. Repeat.