How To Feed Your Children

Feeding your children:

Children have three food groups that they consider to be “acceptable”:

1. Chocolate
2. Trix cereal
3. Chocolate-flavored Trix cereal

If you try to give your kid any foods that deviate from these groups, you might as well be serving him rat poison. He’ll look at his plate in disgust, then look up at you in disgust, then look back at his plate in disgust, and so on. He will repeat this cycle until you both fall over from exhaustion or until you give up and hand over a Snickers bar.
Another rule of children’s dietary selection is this: Your child won’t like what he liked yesterday. Kids are very fickle. If your child wolfed down every bite of the macaroni and cheese that you served for last night’s dinner, he will despise the very sight of it today, so make sure to have lots of different foods on hand for him to choose from. You must always keep a selection of food that takes up roughly 99.74% of your kitchen cabinet space. The only room that‘s left over for “your food” will be just enough space for a Slim Jim and a box of baking soda, which your kid will all of a sudden decide that he wants to eat.
Once you’ve got your child’s meal prepared and set on the plate in front of him, he may resolve that he isn’t going to eat it, even though he was the one who picked it out. In this case, there are a few different things you can try to get him to eat.

“The Airplane”:
This is the time-honored action of spooning up your child’s food, then “flying” it into his mouth while you make stupid and embarrassing airplane sounds. The object is to get your child to open the “hangar”—his mouth—and allow you to spoon-feed the plane-food. The major drawback to this method is that your child will never open his “hangar” during the whole process, and the entire contents of his dinner will end up on his shirt.
“The Catapult”:
This one involves building a crude catapult out of a salt shaker and a spoon. Lay the salt shaker on its side, then place a spoon that’s full of food on top of it. Angle the contraption so that a slap to the handle of the spoon will cause the food to fly toward the general direction of your child. Repeat this process two hundred or more times until you actually get something into your child’s mouth.
“The I Give Up. Let’s Go To McDonald’s”:
If you’ve exhausted all other methods of coaxing your child into eating, and if you’ve developed a new ulcer from dealing with mealtime, you may want to give this option a try. It explains itself.