How To Dress Your Child

Things you will need for dressing your child:
1. Rope
2. A tranquilizer gun
3. Several other people to help hold the child down
4. More rope

When dressing your child, it’s best to be realistic. Sure, we would all like our child’s clothing to “match” or even “make sense,” but the more times you go through the process of dressing your child, the more you’ll realize that just getting two shoes on his feet is a victory in itself.
Your child will kick. Your child will thrash around. Your child will scream. He’ll do everything in his power to keep you from getting that shirt collar over his head. You’ll have to forcibly contort his body into a shape vaguely resembling a trombone just to get one leg into his pants. And when it’s all over and your child is finally dressed, you’ll breathe a satisfied sigh of relief, then notice that you put every article of clothing on backward.
Most new parents want their children to look “cute” or “fashionable,” but as time goes on, they come to see that this isn’t a realistic approach. First of all, any new outfit you buy for your child will become completely ruined by noon on the first day it is worn, usually sooner. The outfit will be covered with dirt, spit-up and stains from food that you didn’t even give your child. These food stains will also happen to be of whatever color is most noticeable and ugly against the color of your child’s clothing.
Your child’s outfit will be useless and unrecognizable by bedtime, so it’s best to just throw it out and buy a new one. This can get expensive, however, so here are a few things a parent can do to alleviate some of the financial burden of buying new clothes on a daily basis:

1. Shoplift
2. Steal from friends’ children
3. Start making your own clothing (garbage bags and string work well)

The most cost-effective solution, though, is to simply allow your child to run around in a diaper for the entire day. This can actually be quite beneficial. He’ll get a healthy skin-glow from all the sun, and if your friends mention the fact that your child is almost naked, you can just tell them that he’s “free-spirited” and “artsy.” They’ll be super jealous, and more than likely will stop dressing their kids as well.